Ice kacang

Went out with my high school friends two days ago. I thought it will be awkward meeting them after long time but it turned out okay. I really like hanging out with them, makes you feel like home and welcomed, makes you feel like "no worries bro, we got your back". Really wanted to go back in time so much, high school times are the best!

Yesterday played DN, couldn't make it through the Abyss stage (oh god, i'm a noob when it comes to gaming) I asked my brother to helped out since he has a higher level character, well i aspect that he won't help since he's lazy and all, but he did. Although it's just a little thing but not sure why, it means so much to me. )probably too addicted to DN)

Went for a swim with the kids in the evening! WOHOO! feels great, swimming is still the sport i enjoyed best!

Old habits die hard, i'm over thinking again these few days. I'm sensing today is not gonna be a great day, almost argue with my mom this morning, HERE WE GO AGAIN! So tired!

Dreams i gave up on

Always wanted to learn how to draw anime characters since high school, always wanted to master it. But i gave up, knowing that i can't really draw them, always leave them hanging half way (only can draw part of it, or complete line drawing but never able to colour them well)

I SHOULD BE DOING MY ASSIGNMENTS RIGHT NOW.

Blank

Honestly, sometimes i don't even know what i do, it's like my mind went totally blank when i do my assignments. What the hell am i doing? *squint eyes*

Try

Okay. Being emo and all doesn't solve anything! I shall try to bring back that happy girl that my parents used to know! =] GANBATTE! yosh!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everybody! 

Where did the smiles go?

Found really really old pictures of me, and i find it funny. Today, dad told me that i wasn't a person like this (too emotional and too sensitive) in the past. He told stories about me when i was still in high school, which i totally cannot recall at all what i did during back then. Well, yea, honestly i wish i did not took a step into all these shit relationships thing, i will not deny that it actually affects me, alot. From a really joyful person into a really negative person i am now.

I know, i know, people will be thinking that how stupid i am to change like this, and thinking why let a small tiny little problem changed me, but seriously, it matters to me. It is like a lesson to me. I wish i could go back to the past, without thinking about any problems.

Trap

It started out real bad, my first day of study break. All i wanted is some peace and here i am, arguing with my mom about internship all over again. I really fucking hate it, arguing all the time, my mind is really tired, my mind is constantly thinking about alot of stuffs and now i have to deal all these with my mom. I am very tired and i feel so trapped.

I am weird, i can't talk to anyone anymore. I cannot complain that nobody understands me, nobody understands how the way i feel, because i myself did not try to express my words well, i just couldn't. It is so difficult to find the right words to express. I am beginning to distance myself with everyone, i am locking myself away from everyone.

If only i can express myself better, without crying and screaming.

Papers

Wrapping papers i did so far for friends =]

Sugar, oh honey honey

Craving for all sort of pastries.

小小心意

我知道，我知道没人会珍惜，但是我还是会继续画下去。我知道很浪费钱，很浪费纸，但是这是我一番诚意。我希望这小小的心意能带给人家快乐，带给人家幸福。

You've got mail.

My friend,

I do not think that you're weird. I know, i know you said we are different "species" before, but i still don't think you are weird. No matter who are you, i'll always be here for you. I know you can find the right guy someday, time is everything, you just have to be patient. I know sometimes i can be quite slow in understanding what you say, but i tried. I know sometimes i will go speechless but that does not mean i think you're weird and start running away from you. And i know sometimes i would ask and say ridiculous things that annoy people everytime, i'm truly sorry about that. And sometimes we argue about stupid stuffs and got upset, but the anger will never last long.

But what i want you to know, you said we are very different but that won't stop us being friends.


My friend,

Don't let your past overcome/haunt you. And again, time is everything. Time will make you stronger, show your past who's the boss! I believe you can do it. And again, i'll always be here for you. I know sometimes i'm not there, i'm sorry. All i can do is listen, you shared alot of things with me, but all i can do is listen, sometimes i feel quite helpless, i couldn't help much in the end, i'm really sorry. Don't think too much, it might kill most of your brain cells and couldn't focus in your assignments and kill your sleeping time too.

sincerely,
suhan.

Xmas

Christmas is around the corner. It's xmas shopping time!!!!!
I want a new box of colour pencils!

聞いた。

Never get to finish listening to my songs everytime, today finally i finished it. Listening to music is still the best way to calm me down (besides sleeping & eating). Time to update my buddy here.

Helpless

I really can't do anything right,can i? I feel so pissed off right now, i hate myself for choosing this essay topic, i can't even start writing for my proposal. What am i to do right now. What should i do? What if i start this and halfway through i cannot find enough source to support my essay and i fail my subject? I CANNOT FAIL THIS TIME! NO WAY. fucking headache.

i really need someone to talk to. I really cannot express what i want to say even i have someone, i feel so trapped, it's so dark, so confused, i cannot talk, i do not know how to express well enough. If i did i can't feel any better either, what am i supposed to do now!!!!!?

Never Again

no. i shall put an end to it. i don't feel like drawing anymore.

Drawing without passion

Well, okay, maybe my drawings really doesn't show passion.
Not sure should i continue this anymore.
Even things you like also cannot show your passion, smashing! so what am i gonna do now?

Missing Home

Don't feel doing my assignments although lecturer needs to see lots of progress tomorrow morning.. missing home in the middle of the night. 

miss taking breakfast with dad early morning.

miss my dad's homemade "pan mee".

Trouble

This song describes everything, GOSH! Loving this song!

Untitled yea.....

I really do not have the mood to talk about this, but i thought if i write it down for once and for all, i might recover faster. Yesterday went out with my childhood friend, apparently get to know that why did my ex break up with me few years back, i know i sounds stupid for not letting it go after A FEW YEARS! but still.. i want to know where did it go wrong. okay.. i found out that my ex said that i was having affair with that guy.




what                                     the                                               fuck




fine. fine. I do not want to remember all these and i swear, I SWEAR i do not want to step into any relationship for the next few years. Sick of everything. But now that i know the answer, well, guess i can move on. *thumbs up

end.

Cycle

I thought i would be more calm here. Again, it happen, arguments everyday, screaming everyday. Sometimes i wonder what is wrong with me, what went wrong, why is my mind so tired everyday.

Not now

High risk cancer cells huh... well, okay. Must be from both sides of family.


Fucking assholes that fucking don't appreciate your life, shut the fuck up.

The journey i could not turn back.

I decided to go back to my hometown since i'm a having a long weekend. My parents fetch me and m mom started mentioning about my coursework that i'm facing in college, and i told her how much did i get for my calendar work (and trust me, it was terrible). I did told her that one of my classmate got 72 for that, which is really really high marks (although he finished it quite last minute too). She said that i shouldn't try to hard to finish my work, and i really couldn't stand it because she did not know what's going on for my situation. I started my coursework early so i could finish them in time, yes i do watch a little anime, facebok a little, twitter a little, look at blogs a little, but still, ( i can say) i really do manage my time, but i just had to start early. 

I burst into tears and screamed in the car when i tried to explain to my mom that the "graphic design" element wasn't planted in me. I am not as talented/ creative as my other classmates. Yes, it isn't in me, that's why i take longer time to complete, because i'm trying my best to do it properly because i JUST DO NOT HAVE THE G.D. MIND. I couldn't do anything if i only had one night, and it would probably turn out like crap. For my other classmates, of course, the G.D. element is in them already, of course one night work can beat my whole week effort, which is really unfair (i thought). 

Dad saying that i should have stop graphic design in the 1st place. He just couldn't take it anymore that i scream, and cry for my assignments just like a little kid (crying for nothing). Well, all these crying and screaming leads my parents to think that i, their daughter, is growing backwards. My mind, my thinking is growing backwards, becoming more and more childish. They said i wasn't like that when i was in primary or secondary school. Well, i'm not sure about that, i couldn't recall how was i doing during that time. 

Mom trying to chill me down, saying that my drawing teacher said that i have drawing talent, which makes my blood boil even more because DRAWING and graphic design is hell different thing! (but i know my mom is just trying to calm me down. but i do love drawing so yea.. ) I just couldn't accept the fact that, i cannot do graphic design work as well as my other classmates. 

Good, now is a good time for me to cool down since i'm at my hometown now. I really need a good rest for my mind. 

K.O. just like that

These few days i've been sleeping hell alot. I feel so tired that even when i'm doing assignments or just simple research online, i fell asleep. Sometimes i feel mad to myself after waking up everyday for sleeping too early, way too early. I'm not sure whether am i physical tired (not possible because i did not do any sports) or even mentally tired (not possible too because nothing is troubling me for now). I don't see why i feel so tired recently, no deadlines, nothing.


oh dear, if i continue to be like this, i cannot even finish my assignments. I fell asleep too early yo!

ARGHHH! is there any way to stay awake except for drinking coffee??? =<

Next Step

And again, some of you tell me that i'd be better if i went IL. I am not saying that i don't like it, and i'm not saying that IL is bad. I LOVE IT, i love drawing, i love the colours, i love the moment when you hold the pencil/pen/tablet pen and the 1st stroke when you draw on your sketch books, i love it when i drew something although it sucks badly but i drew something. I LOVE ALL OF THEM. I know what am i doing, i don't need you to tell it in my face that i am not good at all in GD, that's why i am in GD, I LEARN, i want to learn! I am not there to prove that who is better, i am not there to compete with you all, i want to learn, that's all.

Yesterday, our lecturer Daniel ask us "what is life about to us?" Seriously, all i can answer is life is about learning no matter how old you are.

I know sometimes i contradict with myself. But i really want to learn GD, i love IL, but i need to learn. Why can't you all understand? No matter how many times i tell you all, some might get offended but i seriously did not mean both GD and IL the bad way! It is a matter of passion and career. It is a two different things for me. I don't want to destroy what i love. What the heck am i talking about?

back to assignments.

Self Reminder.

SUHAN! do not look back, i repeat, DO NOT LOOK BACK! It's already been 3 years, it's long enough, you don't need a reason for that, it is over. You are strong enough to move forward, he is not your everything, he does not control you. You are not weird, you are not ugly, you are not stupid, you are fine just the way you are. Don't give up, you can do this!

You have everything here, right here, right now. You have a supportive family, you have friends that make you happy, you have a place to stay, you have enough money for assignments and food, you have everything you need right here. Don't ever look back, don't think so lowly of yourself. There is always people out there who loves you. You will find that person one day.

Now, calm down, put on your headphones and do your assignments. 

Sudden Guilt

When i woke up this morning, i suddenly realize how childish my thinking was. I couldn't imagine why would i say such a word, why would i judge somebody that way, why would i even got angry about it. I did not really carry out a role as a friend well enough. Yes, i told some of my friends that i hate everyone in this world, but actually what i said wasn't true. I'm just so confused with my own feelings and what i wanted to express sometimes, just went wrong. (but sometimes they are true, now i know why why high school friends that i am not trustable enough.) I really don't hate everyone, i just sometimes feel annoyed when they do stuffs that i don't like, that is all, the "hate" there, ends there after 15-20 minutes. I could not be angry with someone for more than 1 day, and that's really energy draining if i do that. 

I know everybody is not perfect, and i am learning to accept the way they are, just like how my friends accept me the way i am ( and i am truly glad and wanna thank my friends who really could accept me the way i am ). 

I just wish i can improve myself, i could express myself better. To my friends, i am sorry for being an asshole sometimes. 

it feels like sem break?

I'm not sure, it feels like sem break although it's still far away from now. WEEE! went shopping with my neighbour, i just do not want to sit in my room the whole day. Bought a few cool stuff for myself.

1. 拉拉雜雜小日子  by Ootagaki Seiko
2. Kijiya vol.9 (finally! i have been waiting for so long for this comic)
3. One Piece key chains (Ace & Marco =] )


Plus later on i'm gonna attend my cousin's wedding! I'm a happy person today! *thumbs up*

Believe it or not

So here goes. It's already 1st of December, gosh! how time flies and finally, my calendar assignment presentation was over! I felt like today's presentation was more like "American Idol" ish. First you got a really strict lecturer who said everything sucks, and then you have the "okayyyyy" lecturer who is actually, fine with everything and suggested a few solutions for you, and lastly, the lecturer that was amazed by almost all the calendars? (though mine was not included). I must say, i can take harsh criticism way better then the previous semesters.

Well, quite a number of people are worried, because there's not much time left. End of the world would probably be a hype for now. I actually did not want the world to end that early, although sometimes i complain how bad my days are, but no, it can't end here, not so soon. Honestly, I still have much that i wanted to achieve.

I still haven't found out what are my strong points, 
i still haven't found my illustration style, 
i still haven't succeed to lose weight, 
i still haven't start to work yet, 
there's still lots of lots of books i haven't get to read, 
i still haven't seen Antarctica yet, 
i still haven't get to repay my parents yet,
i still haven't taste all kinds of food yeeeetttttttt (i just couldn't finish listing everything out)

The World CANNOT end that soon!

And YAY, i bought the Art of Rise of the Guardians, JACK FROST IS JUST TOO AWESOME.
and BOOHOOO, having really bad sore throat right now, weird ring spreading from lips and my gum is just aching really badly, i can't sleep! F

i wish i could be more helpful...