Getting Worse

I don't get it, why am i constantly angry whatever my mom say to me? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! I'm getting worse every single day! Why can't i change?? i know i'm giving excuses to myself that i cannot change, but i tried really hard to change my temper. I tried, but whatever my mom said for now just pisses me off everytime!

I'm such a bad child :( Might as well don't talk to avoid all these conflicts and arguments, i'm sick and tired of it! I feel like i don't have the energy to continue this.

Walking Volcano

Today, i text my brother told him about my arguments with mom (AGAIN), i was quite shocked when he replied "i hope your temper becomes better after 1 year"

Yes i know, i have a really really really SERIOUS BAD temper, and i felt like i'm not showing my true self to my friends. Seriously, non of my friends ever seen me with bad temper and all the cursing and scoldings before. Well, except for 1 time when i went Thailand trip with my classmates and i exploded right in front of Jing Fong and Yvonne because we actually lost the way. I can tell through their faces "gosh never seen suhan acted like that before" hahaha.

So if i'm not being true to myself.. How do i know if people will like me or not. Like they said, the real friends will stay no matter how rotten i am.

I wish i can, but i'm horrified to show people my true self, it's just like a monster.

It doesn't matter anymore

Yeap, it doesn't even matter anymore. It's only for 1 year. 1 year! Don't even think about love ones or boys or anything. Just enjoy what you are doing.

360 degrees

Come to realize that i'm quite a selfish person, i only think that i'm the only person who has problems, but that's not it. Everybody has their own problems to deal with and i'm too blind to see it and all i know is to complain whole day why do i have so many problems. This is bad. baddddddd
If i really want it, i have to work for it, just like the old swimming days. If you want improvement, you have to train hard for it. Where did all my determination spirit gone to???! I feel like i am too lazy to do everything i want now.

And i do not want to hope for too much anymore. I cannot always look at things only my way. I seriously have to be more considerate and look at things in other perspectives. If they don't like it, fine. People are people, and i am Ong Su Han. Everybody is different.

From today onwards:
1. complain less
2. if you want it, WORK HARD FOR IT.
3. expect less.
4. just be you, nobody cares.

:(

People don't like me, am i really not trustable? :(

Can i make it?

Everyone look pretty excited, 3 more weeks to go and i'm leaving for UK for my final year. I really got a bad feeling about this, although i myself, yes, excited but on the other hand, i questioned myself: Is people going to accept me? What if i did not manage to make any friends? What if i cannot manage my time? 

Honestly, i do regret a little for going to UK. The fear in me is taking over me. Although i've been staying away from home for 3 years, but i still am afraid of loneliness. I'm afraid of everything.

+++

Yesterday, i watched Masterchef Australia season 4. One of my favourite contestant, Amina was her first time going through a pressure test. And i shed tears when she told the judges:


" I loved everyday."


I really admire her joyfulness. If only i could look at the positive side everyday. I really wish i could.

Running in Circles

Yes! No matter what, i keep coming back to the same thing.

WHY IS IT SO UNFAIR???!

I never, never never never never in my life make my parents proud. All i caused is trouble. I couldn't excel in my studies during primary and secondary school, i have no freaking talent in music, i cannot even swim long distances although i swam for 11 years! AND most of all i thought, I THOUGHT i could excel in my course, Graphic Design because it is indeed my interest, BUT I COULDN'T!

My lecturer, told 2 of my classmates who are going to UK together with me, explained how many more marks they should gain to achieve first class honors. OMG! I WAS THERE after they see the lecturer and he did not even explain it to me, which means........... there is no hope for me to get first class honors for my degree. Honestly, my heart sank to the core of the earth when both of my classmates told me the lecturer told them about this. And there goes one goal of mine, seeing it burning into ashes.

AND WHY DO YOU JUDGE SO MUCH!?? AREN'T YOU TIRED OF THAT SHITS?!

Why do they like to judge people so much? MUSIC IS MUSIC, what the fuck you even called hipster music and mainstream music. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Is there even music genre call MAINSTREAM and HIPSTER??? WTF? Hipster clothes, Hipster phones, Hipster book, Hipster this Hipster that... Seriously???

I don't get it, you all are constantly judging everything, from people to things. How can you judge people before knowing them?

"Oh, this guy comes from a small town, i'm surprised he knows how to play the drums, i'm surprised he knows ice skating, i'm surprised he like this kind of music, i'm surprised he got really high scores for Maths and Science."

wtf?

End of complaints. I would explode if i continue on this. I should care less about how other people think and do my own stuff. Yes.