Re:start

Trying really hard to restart again. MOVE MOVE MOVE! DRAW DRAW DRAW! &

FINISH YOUR ASSIGNMENTS

Motivation in every way

I've been in Hertfordshire for 3 months and i feel like i am not productive at all. So what did i do if i did not have any progress in my assignments? GOD, I HAD BEEN SLEEPING FOR 3 MONTHS! This is just too much! I really need some motivation, i need a goal!!! I really need to work my ass off to catch up with my original pace back in Malaysia again!

Today i went for a talk after my tutorial. It's a designer from Brand Union came to share about his experiences and ideas. Pretty amazed! The way they think is really really different. Felt abit relieved when he said "we actually like people who can draw a bit." YES! +1 for doodling motivation!

Some random doodles i did 2 weeks ago, exploring new colour combinations :D love this new combo

*Ice Ice Baby!* Hail rain 2 weeks ago, prettttyyyy.

I felt like i can't motivate people. Especially David. I've been dragging him down instead of motivating him! I'm sorry :( 

For a Friend

I guess i focus on myself too much. I am just too selfish. Always think for myself, blaming myself for everything, and not able to see how much my friends suffer from their problems. I always think that i am the only one who has problems. Guess not.

I failed as a friend, i can't even help a friend! I am not good at giving advice and comfort people. I'm just not good at it. I wish i did not drank 2 bottles and instead help my friend out :( Shit just happen and i just talk without filtering through my brain.

No More

I slept for only 2 hours and when i woke up, i felt like, someone hit my head really hard. It's the same thing happening again. Ex said that i am annoying either, now one of my friend said that too. I realize i really don't have the energy to give a fuck anymore. People who don't want to appreciate me, can fuck off. I'll go my own way.

Sorry sir, i probably won't give you a fuck anymore. You deserve it, since you said i'm an annoying bitch :) i won't bother you anymore.

I. WANT. TO. ESCAPE.

It hurts, really much. No matter how strong you are, you still can feel that nail hammered into your heart. Trying to show the real you, just doesn't work. Close friend saying that you annoyed them, that just doesn't make you feel better either.

At least i tried, but i'm really tired.

I really want to escape from this world, my life just keep getting worse.

That Spark

Getting used to the culture and the thinking here, not easy, and i thought i could adapt it quick. Been really depressed recently because i couldn't find a single solution for my assignment. Every solution i thought of is so boring! I myself can't even support my own solution, how am i gonna convince my tutor and other people about it?? 

I'm still very concerned that spark that my aunt told me last year. She said i still couldn't find that spark that light me up as a designer, still couldn't figure things out as a designer, still couldn't connect all the links like a designer. Am i forever stuck like this? Will i be forever stuck like this? 

I seriously don't know what to do anymore if i give up this course. 

I'm cruel

Sorry, you bitch about your injuries at the wrong fucking time. I just don't understand people anymore. I have internal injuries that almost need to be operated and you bitch about your injuries!?? at this time?? WHEN MY IDEAS GOT SWEPT AWAY!?

Sorry mate, i'm a cruel person, my parents don't even care when i fell so many times from the bike or from a slope. Just don't complain.

Peace.

Last day

One more day to go, feeling really nervous even though there are lots of activities for us. Still, NERVOUS!

and i don't think i am ready to leave home.

20+1

Dear myself,

It's time. The most terrifying age. Truly terrifying. It symbolize not only freedom but alot of responsibilities and decisions that you need to make by your own. Be more independent and be more confident!

Let go of your past, and never look back. Don't try to chase things and people as they will step in naturally into your life.

Nobody is perfect, please learn how to accept people in package. You have your own weakness too. Don't always be mad about little things and don't hate people because of little things.

Be sincere, be honest, be true in front of people. Never hide how you are feeling, never be afraid to say NO, be sincere to your friends, be thankful, appreciate what you have because you really have almost everything!

Do what you love, love what you do. Don't let other people bring you down, don't care about what other people think!

Love yourself :)

Suhan, Happy birthday.

Getting Worse

I don't get it, why am i constantly angry whatever my mom say to me? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! I'm getting worse every single day! Why can't i change?? i know i'm giving excuses to myself that i cannot change, but i tried really hard to change my temper. I tried, but whatever my mom said for now just pisses me off everytime!

I'm such a bad child :( Might as well don't talk to avoid all these conflicts and arguments, i'm sick and tired of it! I feel like i don't have the energy to continue this.

Walking Volcano

Today, i text my brother told him about my arguments with mom (AGAIN), i was quite shocked when he replied "i hope your temper becomes better after 1 year"

Yes i know, i have a really really really SERIOUS BAD temper, and i felt like i'm not showing my true self to my friends. Seriously, non of my friends ever seen me with bad temper and all the cursing and scoldings before. Well, except for 1 time when i went Thailand trip with my classmates and i exploded right in front of Jing Fong and Yvonne because we actually lost the way. I can tell through their faces "gosh never seen suhan acted like that before" hahaha.

So if i'm not being true to myself.. How do i know if people will like me or not. Like they said, the real friends will stay no matter how rotten i am.

I wish i can, but i'm horrified to show people my true self, it's just like a monster.

It doesn't matter anymore

Yeap, it doesn't even matter anymore. It's only for 1 year. 1 year! Don't even think about love ones or boys or anything. Just enjoy what you are doing.

360 degrees

Come to realize that i'm quite a selfish person, i only think that i'm the only person who has problems, but that's not it. Everybody has their own problems to deal with and i'm too blind to see it and all i know is to complain whole day why do i have so many problems. This is bad. baddddddd
If i really want it, i have to work for it, just like the old swimming days. If you want improvement, you have to train hard for it. Where did all my determination spirit gone to???! I feel like i am too lazy to do everything i want now.

And i do not want to hope for too much anymore. I cannot always look at things only my way. I seriously have to be more considerate and look at things in other perspectives. If they don't like it, fine. People are people, and i am Ong Su Han. Everybody is different.

From today onwards:
1. complain less
2. if you want it, WORK HARD FOR IT.
3. expect less.
4. just be you, nobody cares.

:(

People don't like me, am i really not trustable? :(

Can i make it?

Everyone look pretty excited, 3 more weeks to go and i'm leaving for UK for my final year. I really got a bad feeling about this, although i myself, yes, excited but on the other hand, i questioned myself: Is people going to accept me? What if i did not manage to make any friends? What if i cannot manage my time? 

Honestly, i do regret a little for going to UK. The fear in me is taking over me. Although i've been staying away from home for 3 years, but i still am afraid of loneliness. I'm afraid of everything.

+++

Yesterday, i watched Masterchef Australia season 4. One of my favourite contestant, Amina was her first time going through a pressure test. And i shed tears when she told the judges:


" I loved everyday."


I really admire her joyfulness. If only i could look at the positive side everyday. I really wish i could.

Running in Circles

Yes! No matter what, i keep coming back to the same thing.

WHY IS IT SO UNFAIR???!

I never, never never never never in my life make my parents proud. All i caused is trouble. I couldn't excel in my studies during primary and secondary school, i have no freaking talent in music, i cannot even swim long distances although i swam for 11 years! AND most of all i thought, I THOUGHT i could excel in my course, Graphic Design because it is indeed my interest, BUT I COULDN'T!

My lecturer, told 2 of my classmates who are going to UK together with me, explained how many more marks they should gain to achieve first class honors. OMG! I WAS THERE after they see the lecturer and he did not even explain it to me, which means........... there is no hope for me to get first class honors for my degree. Honestly, my heart sank to the core of the earth when both of my classmates told me the lecturer told them about this. And there goes one goal of mine, seeing it burning into ashes.

AND WHY DO YOU JUDGE SO MUCH!?? AREN'T YOU TIRED OF THAT SHITS?!

Why do they like to judge people so much? MUSIC IS MUSIC, what the fuck you even called hipster music and mainstream music. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Is there even music genre call MAINSTREAM and HIPSTER??? WTF? Hipster clothes, Hipster phones, Hipster book, Hipster this Hipster that... Seriously???

I don't get it, you all are constantly judging everything, from people to things. How can you judge people before knowing them?

"Oh, this guy comes from a small town, i'm surprised he knows how to play the drums, i'm surprised he knows ice skating, i'm surprised he like this kind of music, i'm surprised he got really high scores for Maths and Science."

wtf?

End of complaints. I would explode if i continue on this. I should care less about how other people think and do my own stuff. Yes.

Unreliable

Guess i'm not trustable and reliable at all... i'm a horrible person :(

Ugly Truth I

I think this is the only place i could express how am i feeling right now.

These few days, my parents wanted me to go for intern in design studios. I know it's for my own good, but i just refuse to. I REFUSE TO GO FOR AN INTERN. End up arguing with my parents, shouting at home, even my brother couldn't stand me any longer. People must be thinking why, why am i so silly. Yes, i am, silly, immature, a big time LOSER. The thing is, i am a coward, i am afraid of everything or anything in this world. Friends see me as a person who has a lot of courage, in fact, that is all just an ACT. Most of my friends do not know my true self, how short tempered i really am, how pathetic i can get when i am depressed, how scary i can get when i shout at home. Truth is, i'm afraid i am not capable enough to work out there, i'm afraid that people would laugh at me, i'm afraid that i screw things up since the things i always do does not goes right all the time, i'm afraid of everything! 

I end up locking myself in my room, crying under my blanket in my room for half an hour, at first the reason i cried was why are my parents forcing me to do this, why am i so useless, why do people keep rejecting me, why this and that, why did i fail in everything. 

And then i realize how much time i wasted at home, while my classmates are all doing something useful, make use of their time achieving their goals and dreams, and why am i still sitting here, wasting my time, WASTING MY TIME not doing anything. 

In the end, parents gave up the idea of asking me to go for intern, i actually do feel abit guilty, but i will see how things turn out. I suddenly couldn't make up my mind what i want to do next, felt like suddenly there is no direction for me. For now, i want to solve all of my problems one by one.

Bad temper of mine

I became more and more short tempered than before. I feel really pissed and start cursing and shouting if someone interrupt me while i'm playing games. whhhhyyy is this happening to me.................!

i'm the luckiest girl on earth :)
(and nope, it's not an april's fool joke/trick)

Smile

Sometimes i wonder if my doodles/ drawings could make people happy. HAHAHA maybe not, just imagining things.

Stagnant

It's sem break and I feel horrible for not doing anything for one whole week. I'm being so unproductive.

Self Reminder II

【成功者的习惯】

1.微笑。
2.气质纯朴。
3.不向朋友借钱。
4.背后说别人好话。
5.听到某人说别人坏话时只微笑。
6.过去的事不让人全知道。
7.尊敬不喜欢你的人。
8.对事无情，对人有情。
9.喜欢自己。
10.多做自我批评。
11.为别人喝彩。
12.感恩。
13.学会聆听。
14.说话时常用我们开头。
15.少说话。

【建立人脉的15个提示】
1、学会换位思考；
2、学会适应环境；
3、学会大方；
4、学会低调；
5、嘴要甜；
6、有礼貌；
7、言多必失；
8、学会感恩；
9、遵守时间；
10、信守诺言；
11、学会忍耐；
12、有一颗平常心；
13、学会赞扬别人；
14、待上以敬，待下以宽；
15、经常检讨自己。

年轻的我们必须懂 得：
1、你不勇敢，没人替你坚强。
2、没有伞的孩子必须努力奔跑！
3、自己选择的路、跪着也要把它走完。
4、不要生气要争气，不要看破要突破，不要嫉妒要欣赏，不要拖延要积极，不要心动要行动。
5、宁愿跑起来被拌倒无数次，也不愿规规矩矩走一辈子。就算跌倒也要豪迈的笑

【让你成熟至少5岁的8句话】
1、如果你不喜欢现在的工作，要么辞职不干，要么闭嘴不言。
2、学会忍受孤独。
3、不要像玻璃 那样脆弱，做个内心强大的人。
4、管住自己的嘴巴。
5、会创造机会。
6、若电话老是不响，你该打出去。
7、不要草率结婚。
8、写出你一生要做的事情，把单子放在皮夹里，经常拿出来看。

Too much hope

Sometimes i feel like i cannot tolerate with anyone, i feel so angry and lonely right now, i want to go home.

Really?

I'm sure my parents would say that it's just the way i think or analyze things, but seriously, when people you don't expect that called you all of the sudden, isn't it because they have their own intention? like, asking for your help, and maybe wanted to borrow some stuff from you.
(okay, maybe is just the childish way i think)

But really, is this how it works nowadays? A friend. Do people really just be friends with only awesome people? and if it really is, why, why do people only want to be friends with awesome people? We're already all adults and now i still see people fighting for friend, as in they think that X person shouldn't be good friends with Y person because they deserve to be Y person "best friend" more than X person. I feel like i'm still studying in elementary/high school. Do people have to be this picky?

It just bugs me really much, and i was wondering for quite a while.
(okay, maybe i suck and probably jealous of other people)

Honestly, till today i haven't found the true meaning of best friend. I have close friends and i believe i treat everyone the same no matter how much i hate or adore them.

Show

Maybe i'm a show off, no good but still a show off.

Alot of "but" 's

I really wouldn't think that much when i sketch/doodle, but this time is different. I'm really eager to see, LOVE to see different kind of illustration style, looking at them just makes me happy, but this this i feel a little different. I know shouldn't lock myself up in my own world, we should go out and we learn and we improve. But after seeing people's sketches and drawings (they are really really awesome), i start to have doubts again. My illustration style is really boring, and to be precise, nothing special. I'm not sure anymore, like i said, i wouldn't bother thinking about all these when i draw, but now i do, and it scares me, if i don't see the world, i would not know where i stand, i would improve. ugh! i don't even know what am i thinking anymore.

This isn't the right time to think about all these. Sem break is near, so excited!!! Thailand trip with my classmates and lecturers and i want to learn to sew! 2 more weeks to go, which means, 2 more weeks of hell to go through, i hope i made it through >..< GANBATTE!

The Flame That Dies Out

I am not as hardworking that i used to be anymore, i used to finish my assignment during holidays so i would not have to rush when it's near deadline, i guess i changed. I'm totally the opposite right now, not motivated to do anything during my CNY break.

I think i'm a coward, selfish and ridiculous, i don't wanna die in my assignments yet i still couldn't start my assignments. Worst thing is i don't wanna die alone, that's not a really nice thought. What was i thinking?

I really hated group work, i feel like i can't communicate with my other group members and i am slow at understanding, ended up i have to re-do or do extras so that i hope my members do not blame me for not contributing anything.

Right now, i'm sacrificing my essay for this stupid group work, i know i'm gonna die in my essay, 101% sure. I'm gonna have to prepare to stay back during my sem break to re-do my essay. I can feel it. Maybe we all know that stuff that you don't put effort in, you surely will get your punishment.

I don't know what am i doing right now. Everything just pissed me off so so so much.

Boom Boom Pau

It's only the second day of Chinese New Year and i already had an argument with my mom, early in the morning! Not sure is it something wrong with me, or something wrong with everybody. I hate it when people rush me for stuffs. I am suppose to edit family pictures that i took yesterday because relatives wanted to see them on facebook (badly) and so i stayed up so i could finish edit them, end up falling asleep, as usual. And then, mom suddenly told me that we're leaving at 10am for Penang while i am editing the pictures in the morning. WHAT THE FUCK!??? now you wanna fuck with me?! I am already rushing to edit all the pictures and now you tell me you're leaving at 10am and i did not pack my bags, AT ALL. 

I don't wanna argue anymore, it's only the second day of chinese new year, since when CNY become so different.. It's just too different.

Another Chance

(i know, i'm weird to be this attached to my ipod)

Just gone true a really bad weekend. Friends argue with each other although they didn't even meet before, ipod start up button sinked in!!!!! and i couldn't see the screen anymore. I hope it can be fix, went to Apple store yesterday and they told me the service centre was located in another area, and i had to take the bus there, which i couldn't because i'm going back to my hometown tomorrow. I think i did not treat my ipod right, feeling guilty and sad. I am really, really worried that they couldn't fix it. It just feels like part of my memories are inside there,  i really hope that it can be fixed =( I couldn't focus on whatever i'm doing for now, i just couldn't. Although Chines New Year is near, but there's still a mixed sad feeling inside me. 

If there's another chance, i really need it. 

Panic Attack

Here we go again, another group project working on refining our college's corporate identity. I really don't like group work and I'm feeling really stressed out right now, my working pace is really slow and i'm afraid i would drag teh whole group down. WHAT TO DO!

Sad Sunflower

I feel quite disappointed, not sure is it with myself or somebody else. Did not manage to go consultation for my essay yesterday, lecturer said that she has appointment to rush, and she told me on Tuesday that she will be free at 4pm. Great, just great, walked out just to see her and end up couldn't, essay title is not settle yet! ughhhh

Twisted Treats

Yesterday my classmate, Jack treat me this biscuit after our presentation.(thanks Jack!) AAAA! i miss eating this biscuit so much and i asked my parents to buy me one packet when i got home. I used to eat these, ALOT, when i was a kid. It looks alot like hair braids but it's caramel brown in colour, and crunchy, and sometimes coated with sugar. I just love how the way it falls apart when i bite this biscuit. 

Munch Munch Munch! 

Work Hard or Work Smart?

Today i cried in class, i wasn't really satisfy with my stop motion video, knowing that i blew up this opportunity to produce much better work. Been working on my video like crazy for days, i can't feel my eyes anymore, my sleeping time is so messed up right now, my back aching, my whole body feel like dying. I just feel so awful this afternoon. I really am disappointed with myself. I feel like working hard, putting so much effort is just wasted. Not sure should i change to working smart, which i don't know how because i'm not as creative as other of my classmates, i couldn't come out with an idea in such short time.

Well, i feel better after going out for lunch with my classmates after my submission. Went for window shopping, came back, watched my favourite anime, feel much better not thinking about the work that already submitted.

So sleepy right now in the same time i want to draw but still, i want to sleep.

Because it's empty

self portrait 

what's going on?

Unfamiliar

I know you're busy but i really wish i could talk to you more. Been feeling really empty since you left, and i shall fill in the blank pages myself.

Who's gonna accompany for doodles and life drawing when i'm there? =(

Dozing off

oh dear, it's really killing, to stay up all night, it really kills... don't understand why in the end i still have to rush my assignments, why is my working pace so slow? I NEED SLEEP!

Just keep Swimming

Move on suhan, you know it's impossible from the beginning, focus on your assignments please.

Game over.

B

WEEEEE, gonna have cheese for tomorrow's breakfast.
My internet is being a bitch again.

Ashamed, or not?

Should i feel ashamed? or should i not? My english language is really really bad compare to my college friends. I can't even spell properly "INSECT"! Even a 5 years old kid can get that right, and look at me now, 21 and still couldn't get alot of words right.

Sometimes i wonder i should have gone to English school. I got into a Chinese school, friends laughed at me for not understanding Mandarin. Before enrolling into elementary school my mom bought me lots of english story books, my dad do not know how to speak Mandarin, so i communicate with my family in English (but that was 18 years ago). After enrolling to elementary school i feel so ashamed for not understanding Mandarin, and now it's the inverse.

Everytime i make an error in English in public, i'm not sure what am i feeling. Angry, disappointed, upset, sad, humiliated. Not sure if i'm angry with myself for not being good in English or being mad at my friends for laughing at my poor English, or being upset with myself for not writing and reading more. I seriously cannot take this, i'm not sure how am i going to work next time.

So small, i feel so small. why do people always laugh at someone else? 

Reaching

Not feeling very confident right now. Well, actually i shouldn't, i shouldn't be thinking all these while i in a hurry to finish off my assignments. Get a grip! No time to lose, finish them all like a cheesecake!!!!!!!!!!

Fired up.

I need sleep

I think i had been saying this countless times, i really really really................... want to sleep! I hate staying up late to rush my assignments =(

Force

This is really weird for me, but all these sadness suddenly transform into a really positive energy and am really feeling motivated to do my work.

Dear friend, how i wish i could talk to you more now. Although you know nothing much about my course, what you said that day really gave me the courage to move on. This feeling right now, no other people can make me feel this way. Thank you.

To be honest, i missed you, alot, but i shall try to move on. Losing this friendship, i cannot let this happen.

Monster

I bet guys think i'm a creep.

50-50

a.... I know it's not possible for me to start a relationship with a guy best friend. They said it's either you will be very happy together or it just kills that friendship that we shared for so long. You treat me as brother, i'm sure you will not feel the same way i did.

Had a crush on you and that was really really long ago and i thought i can forget about this completely. Felt things that shouldn't be, every single time, why, everytime you ask me out i will feel something, it's not fair. Although we don't meet that often, but you always ask me out during semester break, you're the one that makes me feel like i'm not left out. I'm not the type of girl you would look up to either. That day you showed it all, that we only could just stay as friends. 

No, i do not want to kill this friendship, i know you since elementary school, nope, not gonna kill this! I'm gonna hide away all these feelings, time will heal. Everything will get better in time. If i put effort to forget about it, it will fade. 

to myself: "you will be alright, stay strong"

My current mood: All in my head - Tori Kelly

2250

This is harder than i thought, although it's just 6 months.

Spring Onion

This is how my dad sees spring onion.

Today we had porridge for lunch, and porridge always can never go wrong with some spring onions. Dad told me that i should do something about spring onions where they really look like compression springs. i LOL-ed. My dad is just too cute XD

so close yet so far

i didn't know. i really didn't see this coming. I really shouldn't be thinking too much right now.

Stay or move forward

Happy new year everybody!

I hope i am motivated now to do my stuffs. Say goodbye to all the bad memories, learn from mistakes and will try to control my temper better.

So are you ready for 2013?