Getting Worse

I don't get it, why am i constantly angry whatever my mom say to me? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! I'm getting worse every single day! Why can't i change?? i know i'm giving excuses to myself that i cannot change, but i tried really hard to change my temper. I tried, but whatever my mom said for now just pisses me off everytime!

I'm such a bad child :( Might as well don't talk to avoid all these conflicts and arguments, i'm sick and tired of it! I feel like i don't have the energy to continue this.

Ugly Truth I

I think this is the only place i could express how am i feeling right now.

These few days, my parents wanted me to go for intern in design studios. I know it's for my own good, but i just refuse to. I REFUSE TO GO FOR AN INTERN. End up arguing with my parents, shouting at home, even my brother couldn't stand me any longer. People must be thinking why, why am i so silly. Yes, i am, silly, immature, a big time LOSER. The thing is, i am a coward, i am afraid of everything or anything in this world. Friends see me as a person who has a lot of courage, in fact, that is all just an ACT. Most of my friends do not know my true self, how short tempered i really am, how pathetic i can get when i am depressed, how scary i can get when i shout at home. Truth is, i'm afraid i am not capable enough to work out there, i'm afraid that people would laugh at me, i'm afraid that i screw things up since the things i always do does not goes right all the time, i'm afraid of everything! 

I end up locking myself in my room, crying under my blanket in my room for half an hour, at first the reason i cried was why are my parents forcing me to do this, why am i so useless, why do people keep rejecting me, why this and that, why did i fail in everything. 

And then i realize how much time i wasted at home, while my classmates are all doing something useful, make use of their time achieving their goals and dreams, and why am i still sitting here, wasting my time, WASTING MY TIME not doing anything. 

In the end, parents gave up the idea of asking me to go for intern, i actually do feel abit guilty, but i will see how things turn out. I suddenly couldn't make up my mind what i want to do next, felt like suddenly there is no direction for me. For now, i want to solve all of my problems one by one.

Spring Onion

This is how my dad sees spring onion.

Today we had porridge for lunch, and porridge always can never go wrong with some spring onions. Dad told me that i should do something about spring onions where they really look like compression springs. i LOL-ed. My dad is just too cute XD

Ice kacang

Went out with my high school friends two days ago. I thought it will be awkward meeting them after long time but it turned out okay. I really like hanging out with them, makes you feel like home and welcomed, makes you feel like "no worries bro, we got your back". Really wanted to go back in time so much, high school times are the best!

Yesterday played DN, couldn't make it through the Abyss stage (oh god, i'm a noob when it comes to gaming) I asked my brother to helped out since he has a higher level character, well i aspect that he won't help since he's lazy and all, but he did. Although it's just a little thing but not sure why, it means so much to me. )probably too addicted to DN)

Went for a swim with the kids in the evening! WOHOO! feels great, swimming is still the sport i enjoyed best!

Old habits die hard, i'm over thinking again these few days. I'm sensing today is not gonna be a great day, almost argue with my mom this morning, HERE WE GO AGAIN! So tired!

Trap

It started out real bad, my first day of study break. All i wanted is some peace and here i am, arguing with my mom about internship all over again. I really fucking hate it, arguing all the time, my mind is really tired, my mind is constantly thinking about alot of stuffs and now i have to deal all these with my mom. I am very tired and i feel so trapped.

I am weird, i can't talk to anyone anymore. I cannot complain that nobody understands me, nobody understands how the way i feel, because i myself did not try to express my words well, i just couldn't. It is so difficult to find the right words to express. I am beginning to distance myself with everyone, i am locking myself away from everyone.

If only i can express myself better, without crying and screaming.

Missing Home

Don't feel doing my assignments although lecturer needs to see lots of progress tomorrow morning.. missing home in the middle of the night. 

miss taking breakfast with dad early morning.

miss my dad's homemade "pan mee".

Cycle

I thought i would be more calm here. Again, it happen, arguments everyday, screaming everyday. Sometimes i wonder what is wrong with me, what went wrong, why is my mind so tired everyday.

The journey i could not turn back.

I decided to go back to my hometown since i'm a having a long weekend. My parents fetch me and m mom started mentioning about my coursework that i'm facing in college, and i told her how much did i get for my calendar work (and trust me, it was terrible). I did told her that one of my classmate got 72 for that, which is really really high marks (although he finished it quite last minute too). She said that i shouldn't try to hard to finish my work, and i really couldn't stand it because she did not know what's going on for my situation. I started my coursework early so i could finish them in time, yes i do watch a little anime, facebok a little, twitter a little, look at blogs a little, but still, ( i can say) i really do manage my time, but i just had to start early. 

I burst into tears and screamed in the car when i tried to explain to my mom that the "graphic design" element wasn't planted in me. I am not as talented/ creative as my other classmates. Yes, it isn't in me, that's why i take longer time to complete, because i'm trying my best to do it properly because i JUST DO NOT HAVE THE G.D. MIND. I couldn't do anything if i only had one night, and it would probably turn out like crap. For my other classmates, of course, the G.D. element is in them already, of course one night work can beat my whole week effort, which is really unfair (i thought). 

Dad saying that i should have stop graphic design in the 1st place. He just couldn't take it anymore that i scream, and cry for my assignments just like a little kid (crying for nothing). Well, all these crying and screaming leads my parents to think that i, their daughter, is growing backwards. My mind, my thinking is growing backwards, becoming more and more childish. They said i wasn't like that when i was in primary or secondary school. Well, i'm not sure about that, i couldn't recall how was i doing during that time. 

Mom trying to chill me down, saying that my drawing teacher said that i have drawing talent, which makes my blood boil even more because DRAWING and graphic design is hell different thing! (but i know my mom is just trying to calm me down. but i do love drawing so yea.. ) I just couldn't accept the fact that, i cannot do graphic design work as well as my other classmates. 

Good, now is a good time for me to cool down since i'm at my hometown now. I really need a good rest for my mind.