Bad Dream

Sometimes i wonder why do i only get bad dreams. Is this some kind of punishment for me? People would say, it's only a dream. Even though it's a dream, i still do not like it. People wouldn't know that all these bad dreams definitely affect me a lot. It definitely affects my mood, my attitude, my concentration, and my thinking for the day and it does not feel good at all.

Ugly Truth I

I think this is the only place i could express how am i feeling right now.

These few days, my parents wanted me to go for intern in design studios. I know it's for my own good, but i just refuse to. I REFUSE TO GO FOR AN INTERN. End up arguing with my parents, shouting at home, even my brother couldn't stand me any longer. People must be thinking why, why am i so silly. Yes, i am, silly, immature, a big time LOSER. The thing is, i am a coward, i am afraid of everything or anything in this world. Friends see me as a person who has a lot of courage, in fact, that is all just an ACT. Most of my friends do not know my true self, how short tempered i really am, how pathetic i can get when i am depressed, how scary i can get when i shout at home. Truth is, i'm afraid i am not capable enough to work out there, i'm afraid that people would laugh at me, i'm afraid that i screw things up since the things i always do does not goes right all the time, i'm afraid of everything! 

I end up locking myself in my room, crying under my blanket in my room for half an hour, at first the reason i cried was why are my parents forcing me to do this, why am i so useless, why do people keep rejecting me, why this and that, why did i fail in everything. 

And then i realize how much time i wasted at home, while my classmates are all doing something useful, make use of their time achieving their goals and dreams, and why am i still sitting here, wasting my time, WASTING MY TIME not doing anything. 

In the end, parents gave up the idea of asking me to go for intern, i actually do feel abit guilty, but i will see how things turn out. I suddenly couldn't make up my mind what i want to do next, felt like suddenly there is no direction for me. For now, i want to solve all of my problems one by one.

Ashamed, or not?

Should i feel ashamed? or should i not? My english language is really really bad compare to my college friends. I can't even spell properly "INSECT"! Even a 5 years old kid can get that right, and look at me now, 21 and still couldn't get alot of words right.

Sometimes i wonder i should have gone to English school. I got into a Chinese school, friends laughed at me for not understanding Mandarin. Before enrolling into elementary school my mom bought me lots of english story books, my dad do not know how to speak Mandarin, so i communicate with my family in English (but that was 18 years ago). After enrolling to elementary school i feel so ashamed for not understanding Mandarin, and now it's the inverse.

Everytime i make an error in English in public, i'm not sure what am i feeling. Angry, disappointed, upset, sad, humiliated. Not sure if i'm angry with myself for not being good in English or being mad at my friends for laughing at my poor English, or being upset with myself for not writing and reading more. I seriously cannot take this, i'm not sure how am i going to work next time.

So small, i feel so small. why do people always laugh at someone else? 

50-50

a.... I know it's not possible for me to start a relationship with a guy best friend. They said it's either you will be very happy together or it just kills that friendship that we shared for so long. You treat me as brother, i'm sure you will not feel the same way i did.

Had a crush on you and that was really really long ago and i thought i can forget about this completely. Felt things that shouldn't be, every single time, why, everytime you ask me out i will feel something, it's not fair. Although we don't meet that often, but you always ask me out during semester break, you're the one that makes me feel like i'm not left out. I'm not the type of girl you would look up to either. That day you showed it all, that we only could just stay as friends. 

No, i do not want to kill this friendship, i know you since elementary school, nope, not gonna kill this! I'm gonna hide away all these feelings, time will heal. Everything will get better in time. If i put effort to forget about it, it will fade. 

to myself: "you will be alright, stay strong"

My current mood: All in my head - Tori Kelly

Trap

It started out real bad, my first day of study break. All i wanted is some peace and here i am, arguing with my mom about internship all over again. I really fucking hate it, arguing all the time, my mind is really tired, my mind is constantly thinking about alot of stuffs and now i have to deal all these with my mom. I am very tired and i feel so trapped.

I am weird, i can't talk to anyone anymore. I cannot complain that nobody understands me, nobody understands how the way i feel, because i myself did not try to express my words well, i just couldn't. It is so difficult to find the right words to express. I am beginning to distance myself with everyone, i am locking myself away from everyone.

If only i can express myself better, without crying and screaming.

Never Again

no. i shall put an end to it. i don't feel like drawing anymore.

Untitled yea.....

I really do not have the mood to talk about this, but i thought if i write it down for once and for all, i might recover faster. Yesterday went out with my childhood friend, apparently get to know that why did my ex break up with me few years back, i know i sounds stupid for not letting it go after A FEW YEARS! but still.. i want to know where did it go wrong. okay.. i found out that my ex said that i was having affair with that guy.




what                                     the                                               fuck




fine. fine. I do not want to remember all these and i swear, I SWEAR i do not want to step into any relationship for the next few years. Sick of everything. But now that i know the answer, well, guess i can move on. *thumbs up

end.