Bad Dream

Sometimes i wonder why do i only get bad dreams. Is this some kind of punishment for me? People would say, it's only a dream. Even though it's a dream, i still do not like it. People wouldn't know that all these bad dreams definitely affect me a lot. It definitely affects my mood, my attitude, my concentration, and my thinking for the day and it does not feel good at all.

Running in Circles

Yes! No matter what, i keep coming back to the same thing.

WHY IS IT SO UNFAIR???!

I never, never never never never in my life make my parents proud. All i caused is trouble. I couldn't excel in my studies during primary and secondary school, i have no freaking talent in music, i cannot even swim long distances although i swam for 11 years! AND most of all i thought, I THOUGHT i could excel in my course, Graphic Design because it is indeed my interest, BUT I COULDN'T!

My lecturer, told 2 of my classmates who are going to UK together with me, explained how many more marks they should gain to achieve first class honors. OMG! I WAS THERE after they see the lecturer and he did not even explain it to me, which means........... there is no hope for me to get first class honors for my degree. Honestly, my heart sank to the core of the earth when both of my classmates told me the lecturer told them about this. And there goes one goal of mine, seeing it burning into ashes.

AND WHY DO YOU JUDGE SO MUCH!?? AREN'T YOU TIRED OF THAT SHITS?!

Why do they like to judge people so much? MUSIC IS MUSIC, what the fuck you even called hipster music and mainstream music. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Is there even music genre call MAINSTREAM and HIPSTER??? WTF? Hipster clothes, Hipster phones, Hipster book, Hipster this Hipster that... Seriously???

I don't get it, you all are constantly judging everything, from people to things. How can you judge people before knowing them?

"Oh, this guy comes from a small town, i'm surprised he knows how to play the drums, i'm surprised he knows ice skating, i'm surprised he like this kind of music, i'm surprised he got really high scores for Maths and Science."

wtf?

End of complaints. I would explode if i continue on this. I should care less about how other people think and do my own stuff. Yes.

The journey i could not turn back.

I decided to go back to my hometown since i'm a having a long weekend. My parents fetch me and m mom started mentioning about my coursework that i'm facing in college, and i told her how much did i get for my calendar work (and trust me, it was terrible). I did told her that one of my classmate got 72 for that, which is really really high marks (although he finished it quite last minute too). She said that i shouldn't try to hard to finish my work, and i really couldn't stand it because she did not know what's going on for my situation. I started my coursework early so i could finish them in time, yes i do watch a little anime, facebok a little, twitter a little, look at blogs a little, but still, ( i can say) i really do manage my time, but i just had to start early. 

I burst into tears and screamed in the car when i tried to explain to my mom that the "graphic design" element wasn't planted in me. I am not as talented/ creative as my other classmates. Yes, it isn't in me, that's why i take longer time to complete, because i'm trying my best to do it properly because i JUST DO NOT HAVE THE G.D. MIND. I couldn't do anything if i only had one night, and it would probably turn out like crap. For my other classmates, of course, the G.D. element is in them already, of course one night work can beat my whole week effort, which is really unfair (i thought). 

Dad saying that i should have stop graphic design in the 1st place. He just couldn't take it anymore that i scream, and cry for my assignments just like a little kid (crying for nothing). Well, all these crying and screaming leads my parents to think that i, their daughter, is growing backwards. My mind, my thinking is growing backwards, becoming more and more childish. They said i wasn't like that when i was in primary or secondary school. Well, i'm not sure about that, i couldn't recall how was i doing during that time. 

Mom trying to chill me down, saying that my drawing teacher said that i have drawing talent, which makes my blood boil even more because DRAWING and graphic design is hell different thing! (but i know my mom is just trying to calm me down. but i do love drawing so yea.. ) I just couldn't accept the fact that, i cannot do graphic design work as well as my other classmates. 

Good, now is a good time for me to cool down since i'm at my hometown now. I really need a good rest for my mind. 

Next Step

And again, some of you tell me that i'd be better if i went IL. I am not saying that i don't like it, and i'm not saying that IL is bad. I LOVE IT, i love drawing, i love the colours, i love the moment when you hold the pencil/pen/tablet pen and the 1st stroke when you draw on your sketch books, i love it when i drew something although it sucks badly but i drew something. I LOVE ALL OF THEM. I know what am i doing, i don't need you to tell it in my face that i am not good at all in GD, that's why i am in GD, I LEARN, i want to learn! I am not there to prove that who is better, i am not there to compete with you all, i want to learn, that's all.

Yesterday, our lecturer Daniel ask us "what is life about to us?" Seriously, all i can answer is life is about learning no matter how old you are.

I know sometimes i contradict with myself. But i really want to learn GD, i love IL, but i need to learn. Why can't you all understand? No matter how many times i tell you all, some might get offended but i seriously did not mean both GD and IL the bad way! It is a matter of passion and career. It is a two different things for me. I don't want to destroy what i love. What the heck am i talking about?

back to assignments.

Sudden Guilt

When i woke up this morning, i suddenly realize how childish my thinking was. I couldn't imagine why would i say such a word, why would i judge somebody that way, why would i even got angry about it. I did not really carry out a role as a friend well enough. Yes, i told some of my friends that i hate everyone in this world, but actually what i said wasn't true. I'm just so confused with my own feelings and what i wanted to express sometimes, just went wrong. (but sometimes they are true, now i know why why high school friends that i am not trustable enough.) I really don't hate everyone, i just sometimes feel annoyed when they do stuffs that i don't like, that is all, the "hate" there, ends there after 15-20 minutes. I could not be angry with someone for more than 1 day, and that's really energy draining if i do that. 

I know everybody is not perfect, and i am learning to accept the way they are, just like how my friends accept me the way i am ( and i am truly glad and wanna thank my friends who really could accept me the way i am ). 

I just wish i can improve myself, i could express myself better. To my friends, i am sorry for being an asshole sometimes. 

What if you do not have the talent?

Most of the time, people would said that people who studied design, their creativity and skills in design are in their blood. Which later on, i found out that it is not true. I myself, is studying a graphic design course. I do not have the creativity in me. I worked for days just to come out with a solution while a few of my classmates always worked in the last minute, but in the end, the design solution they came out with really beat me to the ground, or should i say, i felt really disappointed? seeing how people can come out with wonderful works in a short time, while i, average is the word to describe my work, sometimes, worse.

Which always leads me to think how unfair could this world be. My parents always tell me nothing is fair. I knew that, it's just hard for me to accept it that i wasn't doing really great in this field. Although i do know that, no matter what i just have to work really hard in order to catch up with my classmates, well, sometimes i just can't stop thinking why is it so unfair. I even doubted myself most of the times, whether am i running the right path, whether am i going to reach my destination one day, or just running in circles.

And yes, i do complain alot. Even my close friends couldn't stand the way i do things, complain all the way while i need to finish my assignments. I just wanted to feel how is it like to create an awesome work =D